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Change. It's an inevitable thing. We have to change in order to grow and learn from mistakes. If not we'd all be making the same mistakes over and over again...like driving around a traffic circle and never making a turn to get out of it. Every once in a while, though, people change for the worst. Or that's how one can view it. Sometimes it's a gradual thing, sometimes sudden. Either way, it's usually left you with a bad taste in your mouth.

It's a bit sad, really, when you once believed in a person and now no longer do. When helping them & supporting them was something you did because you wanted to. You cared to. Now it's something you hardly think about. No energy to help someone who would rather associate with people "higher" up with more "connections." Here you thought they actually cared about you but now it's clear that was false. They cared about the help you were providing...and now that they can get it elsewhere you are no longer needed. You see what type of person they have become... Although, come to think of it. Maybe it's not just them who has changed maybe it's yourself. Maybe you've changed to see who they are, having been a bit jaded before... Wow. How writing thoughts down makes you think. Anyway. It's just a rude awakening when all of the hard work you ever put in (at your own will because you wanted to) seems to have been a waste of time...

I probably would have gone down the same path. Knowing them, helping them perhaps just not as much. At the end of the day, I can rest my head on my pillow and fall fast asleep into dreams of whatever is in my head & heart. I wasn't out to seek anything from anybody, I was (and still am true to myself & other people). I don't expect anything from anybody. I don't use people for my own selfish purposes. It's not who I am. I'm the helper type that tends to get stomped on by those who use others, time and time again. It's something I can't turn off or learn from. I can't change that. But I never forget the behaviors of other people.

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-So reading this back I realize it started out as one thing and ended up another. Still on the same topic but a bit off from one another. But I'm going to keep it this way. Hopefully it's coherent enough to follow along.

I didn't write the letter yesterday as planned. Instead I went out with N. and his friends. I had a good time and a bit too much to drink. I know I need to write this letter but all I want to do today is curl up in N's. arms and take a nap...soon....soon...soon.

When you were a kid, everything used to seem so simple, easy, even exciting to go through.

As you grow older and get educated you begin to realize how hard life will be for you, and it is almost scary, like you don't have enough time, enough strength, or even enough brain to go through what life requires you to go through...hehe

I wish i could see the world how i used to see it, so i could see life in a better, positive way, like everything will be fine, and that it is easy, that your purpose is to make your life better.

But if you think that way, than you'll never satisfy yourself. You will keep looking, searching for ways to make your life better, even when you reached what you thought it was your dream as a child.

Life today is so much more complicated. I� wish it was simpler.

I feel like in the future no matter how successful you are, it doesn't stop you from working. In the end you'll be so tired that you'll look back and wonder how much real happiness have you gone through compared to how much you tried to make money.

�again I cant do this often but here is the latest.. We had a VBIED go off while I was asleep. I wasnt sure at first what happened but grabbed me gear and went to work. We had patients arriving in minutes and there was alot of blood. I was surprised that I was not affected. I was even moresurprised at the people who did lose their minds. for hours we stayed on our feet.. holding pressure.. doing sutures.. bandaging wounds and whatever else was needed. When we released my patients who were locals they wanted pictures with me. thanked me for being so caring.� .. gotto go.. patient came in

Today will have to be the day that I would write a letter to W. I have put it off long enough and just need to get it done with so both he and I can move on from this. I know it won't be easy and I know it will hurt him. I don't want you to think that this comes without a personal struggle of my own as well. It is always hard to close one chapter of your life and not remember all the pleasant memories of that chapter. I wish I could snap my fingers and place me three or four months in the future where none of this would hurt as bad. I just read through all of these entries and discovered I am complaining about the same things I did three years ago. It is going to be an on going issue that only I can change. Today is a big step in making that change and although I wish it was over with I know that the journey will force me to come up with strengths that I didn't know I had, lean on friends that I didn't know were so willing to help and come out a stronger person than I knew I could be.

I got to say I really haven't ever been this happy and self assured I think in my whole life. I've been thinking about it lately I now feel like a grown up and like I can conquer anything and develop into a normal person hahaha! Someone who has control of their life someone who has created this great life full of work, friends and amazing family. Sometimes I look at my life and I think I did this it has been a hard road but I did this!! this is all my creation and what I want in the future I have no doubt I will make it happen. Thinking about going home next week to VA I feel really confident in myself and my abilities I don't think I've really ever felt that before and now it is starting to reflect on the outside just in me taking more time in presenting myself buying cuter clothes and wearing makeup actually doing my hair and working out too. Like now I feel worthy or something as before I just really didn't bother cause I didn't belive it I guess lower self esteem I don't know but I feel it now I feel the shift I'm making into an adult women and I got to say it feels really fucking good!

Can't belive I passed my two year mark writting in this journal woot woot!!